EXCERPTS FROM MY LIFE//UNDER GREEN LIGHTS
“Ratha, guess who’s single?”
That was the first thing you said to me when I walked in the apartment door with Lance. I said I didn’t know, then you paused mid-walking up to me to point to yourself. We hugged before I said what’s up to everyone else. Because you were living your best life at Emory, I had only seen you once or twice up to that point through a mutual friend (one I’ve wrote about), but I’ve always appreciated how bubbly you were. The first time we met, you had a boyfriend, but I couldn’t help but to think how attractive you were. I’d hear through the grapevine of the problems you two would have, and I couldn’t help but to think if we were to find ourselves together how we wouldn’t be experiencing such things. From then on, we’d catch each other on social media. You know, likes, comments, etc., but nothing ever went past that. Maybe it’s because of proximity or maybe it’s because nothing was there to begin with. After a debacle about who was driving there, Lance agreed to drive us. I can’t remember who’s house it was or even remotely where. All I remember about that night was how I felt around you. It was the end of summer and school was starting soon, which meant our time to stay out late would be reserved to weekends as books and lectures would fill our week days. It also meant you’d be leaving town therefore all our interactions for the time being would be through social media. One chapter was closing and another was about to begin. It was an exciting time, ask any college student. We were attached at the hip most of the night. You were the worst at beer pong, yet somehow you were the best partner I’d had. It was like a movie, like my favorite rom-com, but wayyyyy more rom. You looked incredible in the white dress you’d worn to the party. Every time I’d look at you, you’d smile. Your smile was warm enough to keep me company until the next time we’d experience a moment like this. The gleam in your eyes could’ve lit up the whole sky that night.
Though you had been drinking a little, the vibe was on 100 like all our prior interactions. From the jump, from the moment we met, I found comfort in your presence. Granted it’s hard to find inner peace, it’s even more difficult to find peace through comfort in someone else. Though the times we shared were few and far between, they were all times I was courageous enough to break the monotony of my anxiety and live in the moment. It was a tremendous balance. In this human experience we’re all having, we are all innately cautious about the unknown nature of life, but to be open enough to experience these moments with someone who could bring your guard down, isn’t that what love is? If it isn’t, that’s what I convinced myself it was back then. For a brief period, I left you to find Lance. I made my way to the backyard where I told him how I felt about you. I mentioned you previously here and there when you and I would see each other, so he was familiar with who you were. Caught in the moment, I told him I loved you. He laughed but noted that you and I were vibing heavy. Sometime later my conversation with Lance was cut short because you found me outside. As we were going back in, I asked Lance if he’d take a photo of us. At the height of a college house party, between alcohol, red Solo cups, and cell phone flashes, we found a secluded spot under a green light. I asked you if you’d take a photo with me. You leaned back, looked me dead in my eyes, then put your arms around me. Lance must’ve taken 7-8 photos on burst mode. Afterwards, one of your friends we came to the party with came over to you. I told you I’d be back and went outside with Lance to catch him up. Though the night eventually ended, when I got home, I couldn’t stop looking at the photos before I drifted off to sleep.
We were both 20 at the time, babies as you would say to me years later when I’d reach out to you in what seemed out of the blue. But it wasn’t. I had been watching A Different World, specifically the episode where Dwayne sees Denise during his visit to see Mrs. Huxtable. Dwayne had a big crush on Denise Freshman year at Hillman, but throughout the years and all his different experiences with other women, Denise was still in the back of his mind for whatever reason. It made me think of you because I could relate to Dwayne. Though I never got to experience whether you were who I made you out to be or not, I was sure you were who I thought you were. Just like Dwayne with Denise. Our brief conversation reinforced that for me. We talked about our plans for the future. You were a CNA applying to PA school at the time. You asked me what my dreams were, before admitting yours was to move to New York City. When I brought up my aspirations as a writer, you mentioned how you read what I wrote. We exchanged a few more messages as our conversation carried on. Still surprised you read the things I posted, I brought it back up again. You told me you loved me, you thought I was awesome, and we had a great connection so why wouldn’t you read what I wrote? Just like the party, our night ended when we both were tired enough to fall asleep.
We never got up, or even spoke to each other again. Now you’re living your best life with someone else in a different city. And me? I’m still searching, albeit I’m having a grand time doing so. I’ve noticed a pattern about myself. I fall in love with moments I have with women, and when I reminisce on those times, the memory is so vivid I could fall in love again, but since I can’t, I just write about it. If that one night in 2013 at a house party was the closest we’ll ever get to being in love in this lifetime, it’d be a shame because I could write forever thinking about us.
Or so it seems.