Dreaming Awake
Somethings are hard to explain, but easily understood. This is one of them.
6 years ago, I was 18. When I was 18, it felt like I had the whole world at my hands and my whole life ahead of me. I was consumed with the belief that I could do anything. It wasn’t so much arrogance as it was innate. You feel these things, you feel them deeply. It’s not anything you can justify, it’s something you know. Anything I wanted to be, whether it be an orthodontist, a writer, a rapper, or all three; my life would bring to me. Not necessarily bring to me, but destiny would meet myself and my hard work somewhere along in this lifetime. Anything I thought could happen, could happen, and anything I thought should happen, would happen. It was all meant to be if I wanted it to be.
As a youth to the world, your mind is sponge-like. You absorb every little thing life has to offer. You could be inspired just by looking at the flowers on a pre-autumn afternoon walk. The way the clouds present themselves on a dreary day could send your emotions in a frenzy. You could fixate on one specific trait a girl had and fall in love with everything she was to you whether she was the same to the world or not, herself included. Anything you could see, touch, hear, smell , or taste could light a fire in your eyes. The smallest details of life had the power to have the greatest impact on you. Perchance, that’s what innocence to the youth is; having the ability to be so caught up in life you become naive to life outside of the moment. What a special sentiment. With everything going on, I’m trying not to lose that sense of self.
Life doesn’t turn out exactly how you think it will, at least for most of us, but because it’s not happening now doesn’t mean it won’t happen later. I remind myself of this frequently to disrupt the thoughts of mediocre adulthood creeping up on the spirit of my youth. I can still be one of the greatest writers of my generation. I can still be one of the greatest rappers of all time. I can still get my photos published in National Geographic. I can still make my parents proud. The journey gets discouraging at times, but what’s the journey of a hero without its fair share of downs? Because there are downs means there are ups, because one doesn’t exist without the other and lately things have been feeling more down than up, therefore there are major ups coming soon along this journey. At least that’s how I rationalize things.
I see friends doing well in their lives and I’m happy and proud of them because I love them. The people I love doing things they love, living a life they love. I love that. Life can be funny at times, sort of comparative to a strange paradox. We want the people we miss to miss us. We want the people we love to love us. We want the people we’re proud of to be proud of us. I feel stuck in the middle of it all currently. Friends will check up on me, but I’m hesitant to respond because I’m not comfortable talking about my progression in life. People tell me they’re proud of me, but it doesn’t change the fact I haven’t found that same pride in my life. I get asked what I’m up to or how I’m doing and I avoid these questions because I haven’t seen the results I’ve wanted out of myself.
Although life doesn’t happen how we plan, there’s always a sense of irony somewhere down the line.
Two weeks ago, I was running Bagel after dark. It was around 10pm and a car pulls into the driveway of a house I was passing. The door opens and I hear a lady say ‘hey man.’ I’ve spoken to her a few times, I’ve actually known her before I knew she lived down the street from me. She used to serve at Giacomo’s, an Italian restaurant Marge and I used to go to before she became an officer back when we were both in school. Oddly enough, I still don’t know her name. ‘Long time no talk man, how’ve you been?’ We engage in small talk conversation for a few minutes before she asks if I’m still in school. I told her I’m not, but I might be going back next year. She tells me to finish school, not only that, but to chase my dreams. ‘Keep chasing your dreams, and don’t stop’ were her exact words to me. She must’ve said that about 3 times throughout our 5-minute conversation. I ask her what she’s been up to, to which she responds she’s found a job cleaning floors. She tells me she has to get it any way she can. Get it any way she can. I like that. We finish our conversation, then Bagel and I finished our run.
I thought about the brief interaction we had and her words of encouragement telling me to keep chasing my dreams. I have a feeling I’ll take her advice to heart. My dreams are worth more than regret in the long run, no matter if I have the courage to chase them or not. I think everybody would agree. I’m learning that courage is something of an illusion; you have the power to convince yourself you have it when you don’t or you have the power to convince yourself you lack it regardless if you need it or not.
They say to lead and live a life you’d be proud of, but lately pride has been getting in the way. Perhaps I’ve been convincing myself of the wrong things.