Earth Day 2020
There was an ambulance I got from a Burger King Kid’s Meal I thought was so neat, I had to share it with my classmates in kindergarten. The siren on top would eject someone from the doors. At the time, I was fairly new to the world, and the world was fairly new to me so naturally I found myself fascinated by many things, no matter how simple they’ve grown to be. I brought my toy in for show and tell, only to keep quiet when Mr. Appleton asked if anybody else had anything to present to the class. I felt uneasy after he had asked. I didn’t know what I was feeling back then, but I knew it was overwhelming. After class that day, I remember emptying my cubby and taking the ambulance home wishing show and tell was more show than it was tell. I experienced something similar during a presentation to my senior seminar class a few months ago, except it felt worse. You would think everything gets better as life takes its course, but that can be far from the truth. Even flying is a nuisance to my psychological wellbeing. I’ve been afraid of heights for as long as I can remember, yet there were times when I embraced it. I was ecstatic to board my first plane to New York when I was 5. Chewing gum to avoid my ears popping, the view from the window, the whole experience left me in awe. Not to mention when we landed, my dad had us picked up in a limo and we watched Power Rangers on the way home. What an experience for a 5 year old, what a memory it is 22 years later. Man, does time fly. These days I’m hesitant to board a plane, regardless of what’s on the other side upon landing. Getting older certainly is strange, but so is life for everybody at the moment.
I am writing this from quarantine, live in the year 2020. Things are swell, but I find myself in search of abundance in this life of vice where moderation is key. It’s like I’m an addict the way I yearn for more out of life. Because if one lifetime is all we have, I need to feel alive while I can. This doesn’t come without humility, though. The terms and conditions of our conscious truth tells us that the nature of opposites is the existence of each at altering times. I can’t feel alive every moment I’m here, therefore moments of mundane and routine will exist in the times I don’t. The key is to be appreciative through it all, and that’s what I feel today, grateful. Although I may convince myself I need more, how much do I really need?
Accumulation can be a bizarre thing in linear progression. You never feel you have much until you survey what you began with. I guess this can be said for all progress, but let’s use money as an example. 10 pennies turn into a dime. 10 dimes turn into a dollar. Dollars can turn into hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions, and with a little luck, ambition, and execution, dollars can turn into billions. We make things work paycheck to paycheck until we get a salary, then we need a raise. We need more until we get more, then we need more on top of more under our perception of desire. In society, there are a lot of parallels between time and money, two things we tend to find ourselves between. The juxtaposition of currently and currency, the correlation between health and wealth. They say both time and money are man-made constructs, yet they are as significant to us as yin is to yang in this existence man did not make. Just as cents and dollars, seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years, years to decades, and if the divine so chooses to be in our favor, decades can turn into a lifetime, although lifetimes aren’t always subject to the plan of longevity.
27 trips around the sun and I still haven’t gotten enough of the stars. There’s something about driving after midnight looking up into the sky, knowing I’m looking into the past. It makes me feel connected to all the life around me, no matter how contrasting our physical experiences may be. Sometimes I feel like a flower blooming in the spring. Other times I feel like I’m Bagel running in an open field filled with new aromas and sunshine. Most times I’m a fly on the wall, and on the rare occasion, I’m the elephant in the room. The stars make me feel like my understanding of our existence is close to being fulfilled. Wishful thinking that is, but I’ve realized that life is more about wishing than it is our wishes, more about our praying than it is our prayers. Life isn’t about where you’re at, it’s about who you’re with. I’ve realized life is not about our lack of understanding, but rather more about our abundance of acceptance. Life is more about learning than it is acting like we know, and I’m learning that if life has wings, then we were meant to fly regardless of how our fear makes us feel.
So, here’s to another year of me feeling alive by opening my eyes gradually, enjoying the view of this flight as it comes, in this existence we all share.
Thanks for reading and thanks for being a part of my life.