2024: The Year of Molting

Here we are at the end of 2024.

So much has happened in such a short period of time we call a year. The more time you experience, the faster it seems to go. At times, it feels like there’s too much emotion and not enough language to express how I feel. In a life of loving and letting go, I’ve learned if you’re good at loving, you’re bad at letting go. If you’re bad at loving, then you’re good at letting go. It’s one of those things where there’s no moderation, only extremes exist on this spectrum. At least, I think. I don’t know how good I am at loving, but letting go is something I’ve always had difficulty with. In many ways, I feel I’m still where I was last year. I look around and I know it’s not true, but that’s how it feels. I guess it’s another testament to not believe the message my emotions attempt to convey to me sometimes.

Emotions do tell us things, though. I’ve noticed the older I get, the more emotional I am. There’s a TikTok trend where people will Google their house from years ago and share what they find. In pictures, it’s a life that was once routine, but is missed dearly. People will show dogs laying in the driveway that have passed or parents doing yardwork that are no longer with us. It’s such a nostalgic trend which proves we are more alike than we are different. It’s a humbling reminder that none of us can escape the inevitable cycle of life. We don’t always acknowledge it at times, and I wonder why.

A few days ago, I saw news of a lady being burned alive on a New York City subway. People walked by and didn’t do anything. A few bystanders recorded her on fire. Granted it was by the time she was fully engulfed in flames so there wasn’t much anyone could do, but it still made me sick to my stomach. Sure enough there was somebody who saw it as she was lit, but maybe I’m wrong. What makes it worse is society, especially given how short our attention spans are due to the constant over influx of information, will forget about it in a day or two. An innocent lady being burned alive isn’t normal by any means, but we’ve all become so desensitized. If you distract your morals long enough, you’ll lose them. It seems the world’s gone mad and we’re past the point of no return. As a biologist by academia, I wonder what long term effects us humans will have due to technology and social media.

In the animal kingdom, there’s a phenomenon called shedding. Another term for it is molting. This happens in animals such as crabs, deer, and iguanas. Molting can also be observed in insects such as spiders, cicadas, and grasshoppers. Each organism is different in what they shed, but the overall premise is animals molt to grow at timepoints in their lives. Some of it is cyclical, some of it is not. A moose will shed its antlers due to their weight caused by low testosterone during the winter. A crab will shed its exoskeleton as it outgrows itself. The same can be said for snakes as they shed their skin due to growth and as a safety mechanism against parasites. Some shedding such as antlers is generally not painful, but for other animals this isn’t always the case. Arthropods undergo molting which can be distressing as well as perilous. They shed their outer covering (including their eye surfaces) as well as the lining of their gut and other internal passages such as their respiratory system. Molting is truly a marvelous process. To me, it is proof of The Grand Design I’m in awe of, the same one Stephen Hawking wrote so passionately about. More than my awe, molting is necessary. Humans shed physically with our hair and our skin, but nobody ever mentions how difficult (and painful) it is to do so emotionally as well as spiritually.

This past year was difficult in many ways. It began with my obsessive need to understand things that transpired towards the end of the previous year. Though it’s an age-old adage to be blinded by love, I’ll always remember the things I saw when the veil was finally lifted. I feel like I give people too much grace sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. Giving the benefit of the doubt has rarely benefited me undoubtedly. In August, I had to watch the greatest man I know bury the greatest man he knew. I’m learning more as time goes by that eternal love is eternal pain which is ironic because that lesson solidifies that everything is temporary. Sometimes I wish I could change the nature of things, but perhaps that’s the nature of possessing a consciousness I won’t ever fully understand. I spent many nights looking out the window questioning things when staring at the ceiling no longer offered any answers. To keep perspective, I tell myself the bad times stick out so much because the baseline is usually good times with great people. Maybe that’s the dichotomy of being blessed in this lifetime. It still doesn’t change the emotional anguish we all go through, but it does allow a space for gratitude. They say you are tested the most when you are about to elevate. Call me crazy, but I can feel a breakthrough coming.

This year, I went off the deep-end and began putting music out, which is something I’ve always wanted to do. I know I can’t rush the process, but I’ve grown impatient dealing with being on a corporate ladder which can only be ascended by way of participating in the inflation of ego in individuals in positions of power. I laugh at the idea that happiness is found in an office of fake smiles and bad jokes. Perhaps I am venting, but the more conversations I have with others, I’m convinced I’m telling the truth everyone is afraid to speak. On January 19th of next year, it’ll be the beginning of my 5th year working in biotech. I remember the second day on the job Joe Biden got inaugurated, but more importantly, Philip Rivers retired. I spent a whole presidential term working as a scientist in vaccine development. I can’t imagine working in biotech for the next 30-something years, much less the next 4.

It feels like I’ve been a slave to routine. You don’t know how much life you lose until time passes and you realize you haven’t done anything you set out to do. Recently, I saw a photo of Bobby Hill in bed from King of the Hill that resonated with me so much it prompted me to watch the show. I never liked King of the Hill growing up. I always thought it was boring when it would come on as I was flipping through channels. Turns out, I love it. The premise of the show focuses on Hank Hill, who is the main character, and his family/friends in their everyday lives. In the third season, Hank and Peggy are celebrating their 20th anniversary. They host a party before going on a weekend getaway. During the party, Hank plays a slideshow of videos and pictures of him and Peggy from the last 20 years. As the weekend comes, Peggy breaks down in the hotel room. She feels sad because she didn’t “recognize” the couple in Hank’s presentation, referring to their age. Peggy goes to tell Hank how they had plans to travel the world and make a famous steak sauce but none of that happened in the last 20 years. The episode ends with Hank and Peggy going sky diving as they don’t want to remember their 20th anniversary as just another weekend together. Though these stories are fiction, there is a bit of reality to them just as they say there’s a grain of truth behind every joke. The lesson here is you must be brave enough to break the monotony of routine. It’s something I talk about often, yet rarely do.

Instead of focusing on the closing of chapters and why they ended, it’ll better serve me to focus on new beginnings and the possibilities which lie ahead. This year I became a verified rapper on Spotify and Apple Music. I have acknowledgements when you Google me, courtesy of Google. How wild is that?? I’m labeled a “Musical Artist” and my genre is “Latin Urbano.” It’s a bit inaccurate, but I’ll take it. Maybe next year they’ll add “Writer” when I publish Morning Showers. Maybe next year I’ll have a Wikipedia, who knows? I have to be courageous enough to change the narrative of my life. Change is stubborn, but we all possess the free will to do it. Taking risks is something I’m gradually becoming comfortable with. I went to Providence for the first time last winter. We spent the night wandering around Brown. Between the lights, the chattering on the streets, and the newness of it all, it felt cinematic. We flew to Miami for the Drake show and got to see Wayne for the first time. He’s unreal. Money came up for a few days in the summer and we went to the Cape. It was my first time, and I loved it. Even though it’s only an hour or so away, it felt like being somewhere completely different. Before he left, we went to Fenway for a Red Sox game. I had never been, but it was such an awesome experience. A few days ago, I took my dad to his first NFL game as the Chargers came in town to play the Patriots. We’ll always have that experience, and I’ll cherish those memories forever. Next year I’ll be looking for more firsts and less “agains.”

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror. I have a nose-piercing I didn’t have last year. The same can be said for my left ear as pave diamonds shine through the glimpses of sunlight coming from the bathroom window. I go out to the driveway and see the first car I ever bought this past May. It complements the SUV my parents gave me in 2017, the same one I spent the 2nd half of my childhood growing up in. My decision of what to drive for the day is nothing between Lamborghini’s and Porsche’s, but I’m thankful to choose between Toyota and Lexus. Even when the time comes for Urus’ and 911’s, the Sequoia and GS will be in the same driveway reminding myself of how much things have changed despite what I may feel. The baby pictures of me around the house are getting harder to recognize as these weeks and months pass. My baby boy Bagel is 12 as we prepare to turn the year forward. He’s getting the gray face, but all I can see when I look at him is that 7.5 week old puppy with the big pizza ears when we first met. I was young and anxious, and he saved my life. Oh, how I wish I could go back to the day we met.

Perhaps things are different, but I’ve become too numb to feel a difference.

I guess that’s a part of letting go and shedding who I once was as that’s the price I’ll pay in return for who I’m destined to become.