THE SEASON OF LETTING GO
I sat in front of the Cookout on North Tryon as Kelsey told me that “nothing in this life is permanent” before we went our separate ways prior to the summer of 2012. That always stuck with me. Due to the temporary nature of things, we must learn to let go. As unnatural as letting go feels, it’s a part of a life in which we’ve conditioned ourselves to feel the opposite. Holding on, many times, is a direct product of having hope. I’ve learned that having hope in the wrong things (or people) is really hopelessness in disguise of insecurity. Insecure by self-perception of societal standards we all are, but certainly flawed by nature through the creation of our Gods/stars, which ever you may believe in.
Why is it that we always feel we deserve better than what we have? I know we all feel entitled to an extent, but regardless of so, there isn’t enough entitlement to be able to excuse being ungrateful. Maybe it’s because we perceive ourselves to be better people than we actually are. People we think to be real, including ourselves, may not even exist. This is humbling, but it can also be painful. Let me explain.
You get hurt investing time in someone who eventually changes. It occurs to you there’s a possibility they really didn’t change, but instead, this is who they were all along. Besides the occasional coincidental sighting of this person, you spend about a year and half a part. No speaking. No communication whatsoever. Women come in and out your life to remind you there can be something authentic despite the lack of longevity. More time passes. This person sends you an email out of the blue asking to get froyo. You agree. You meet up with this person and feel nervous initially, but this quickly fades as conversation with this person comes almost innately. You notice a new tattoo that reminds you of a girl who took you on a date to Mellow Mushroom back in February. You spend nearly 7 hours talking to this person only to realize they’re the same as they left you. Ironic, because you were hurt they changed to begin with and now you’re hurt they haven’t changed.
That was back in May. There have been a few other occasions this year where women who I’ve seen naked, have tried being casual with me. I can’t do it. I end up not responding to them. I’ve been moving around with less emotion recently, just letting thing pass me by. Learning to let go, learning to be in the moment. Your past is full of things you’ve done, your future is full of the things you are doing. These days I’m trying my best to be as thankful as possible. Thankful I’m living in the same lifetime as those around me. Thankful I can still communicate and still write to you.
The leaves are changing colors and slowly the days are getting shorter. The winds are getting harsher, no longer a welcoming breeze in the midst of all the humidity as they were during the SUMMER. Knitted sweaters and scarves complement the love and hope that fills the muted atmosphere. The nights are getting colder revealing an emptiness in me that can only be filled by intimate company. Or so it seems. I enjoy hearing promises, although deep down I know they’re meant to be broken. Fall is awaiting for me to write this next chapter of my life. Whatever is meant to be will be, whatever is meant to end will end. What’s meant for me is meant for me and what’s meant for you is meant for you. Whatever it is, I shall be assured that much like the seasons themselves, this too, will be temporary.
-RDL4EVER