AHEAD OF MYSELF (AUDIO BLOG)
Aight let’s get into it. This song reminds me of my second year of college. Prior to that second year of college, randomly during that summer I had developed anxiety. Between the months of June and August I went to the ER 5 different times, and to multiple different doctors of different fields. I even had a colonoscopy, which is like 30 years ahead of my time for anybody that knows what that is. Back to sophomore year though, that was the last time I really felt young. Because you know how things go, we kind of subconsciously base how we feel through the standards of life and our perceptions of other people’s idea of progress. Meaning, it was my second year, so, ideally, I should be younger than half the people there generally speaking. This is a big assumption, but in this life, you can live based off of your assumptions. Is this a good thing? Most times, no not at all. But in this case, this assumption didn’t really harm me either way. I had moved into a townhouse with my roommate from freshman year, his best friend, and one of my homies.
It was the four of us and moving in to my apartment was very refreshing. You see, most kids when they come to college, it’s the first time they have complete freedom. For me, I’ve always been lucky enough to have my parents trust me, therefore I could do many things that weren’t allowed by other parents. For example, my girlfriends slept over on the weekends and I could go anywhere I wanted to, I just had to let my mom know. It was great, and moving into a dorm room after that, seemed like I lost a lot. College wasn’t as liberating for me as it was for the typical freshman. So upgrading from the high-rises to the townhouse gave me that kind of, liberating feeling in a sense. Like okay, we’re finally getting back to where we used to be. The master bedroom was downstairs and the other three rooms were upstairs. My room was the first one on the right. It was the smallest room, but I chose it solely because it was the only room that had its closet across from the bathroom. The key here, is that the closet had sliding doors that were mirrors, and really that’s all it took for me. That year personally, was very redemptive. As shameful as it is, I spent a lot of my parent’s money. I got a puppy. I got hired and fired from Urban Outfitters. And I even met a lot of women. It was honestly top two years in my college experience if I had to rank them. My second year in college was the last year that I partied almost every weekend. Let me explain, I don’t drink and I don’t smoke, so parties for me, were more like distractions from my anxiety. Some people get social anxiety, I get anxiety when I’ve been on my own for too long. Ironic, because I like being alone, but when my anxiety creeps up, I take that as I sign to get out and live a little bit. Take some chances, meet some people. All that type of shit.
At that point, all of my homies, we were all in great positions, but more than that, we were all at the same place in life. We tend to connect with people because of our ability to relate to one another thru being in the same place physically, emotionally, or spiritually. This then allows the relationships we create to grow: to grow closer or to grow apart. Whether or not I’m closer or further away from the people and times that I once loved, nothing can change what happened. And I miss that. I miss those people; I miss who I was when I was with those people. I miss going to parties with Alex and Stacy. I miss struggling in bio class with DBaze and Sebastian. I miss walking Bagel around Uville. There was this lady who lived a couple doors down who used to read me bible verses in the parking lot, I miss her too. I miss going to Steak n Shake with Spencer and eating two entrees because the meals were so cheap there. I miss coming home to my townhouse in university club to sit on my bed next to some Original Fake cushions that, again, I shamefully bought with my parent’s money, only to feel anxiety, but also to get lost in the feeling that my whole life was ahead of me. It’s been 3 years since then, I’m not sure if I feel the same anymore. And I miss that.
-RDL4EVER