STRANGE THINGS
A quiet night in the townhouse, circa 2012
Two weeks ago around 2AM, I was reminiscing on freshman year with A$. He was sitting in the computer chair and I was on the ground perusing my old laptop, browsing through memories I no longer had a daily memory of. That one time Spencer was doing the Lil' B cooking dance while we were grilling out back on the patio of our town house. The time Malcolm got beat in a dance-off by a random guy in a bear costume during our Halloween weekend at ECU. Playing HORSE with Jimmy in Moore Hall. Walking down Historic St. Charles with my parents, back when they lived in Missouri. Really incredible times, hard to believe I’ve actually lived these moments. Life is too precious not to feel a sense of surrealness when reflecting on yours. Scrolling through photos of my formative days, I saw a number of people I haven’t seen nor thought about in years. I felt an immense sense of appreciation for our times together, even if it was only for the moment the picture was taken. You come across a countless number of people on this journey of life, and whether or not they stay, you will always be a part of their journey, and they will always be a part of yours, even if the part is as minuscule as minuscule can be. To me, that’s beautiful. Although nothing is excluded from the change dealt by time, not even time itself can change what it’s already written. The pen of life continues to write endlessly, unforgivably. So it goes.
One photo I came across was from 2012. This was around the time I wore nothing but button-ups and ties. I am not going to go into detail about the fashion phases I go thru, but know they are always ahead of their time. (SOMETIMES YEARS AHEAD!!!) I say this because if I wear something unfashionable in retrospect, I know it will be fashionable sometime in the distant future. Fashion recycles itself, didn’t you know this? But also, how can I be unfashionable if all I'm doing is expressing myself honestly? So I’m at a party. I forgot where exactly, but it was at a random house. I mingled with a few people there and out the corner of my eye, I noticed a girl with red hair who lived in my dorm. We got to talk some months or weeks before this interaction and I vividly remember her telling me one of her favorite books was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Perks is my all-time favorite novel, and for me to hear that statement come out of her mouth led me to subconsciously have a crush on her. Nothing serious whatsoever, but it was attractive to me how she recognized the greatness of Perks. We didn’t speak often, it was more of a “I see you all the time and you see me all the time, so we kind of know each other” vibe. She was no stranger to me, and I didn’t seem like one to her. I approached her and we had a short interaction. I was nervous, but I wanted a picture with her. She said she was down for a photo and I got one of my homeboys to take it on my iPhone 4. She left the party shortly thereafter, and I left shortly thereafter her.
About a week after seeing the photo of us, I wake up and she had followed me on Instagram. It was a pleasant surprise. I followed her back and messaged her. Like all of our previous interactions, we spoke briefly and that was it. Ironic how I was just thinking of her. She’s back in Wisconsin, and according to her, she’s “living the dream.” It felt good to get back in contact and to hear she was doing well, crazy to think that was 5 years ago. This whole time I thought she had forgot about me, but I was thankfully mistaken. I was reminded of the blessings that come with the curses of this journey we are all living. For what good is a reminder if you forget to forget?
A few days later, I was at Reedy Creek Park running Bagel. The trail I run on is about 2 miles. Of course I don’t run the whole trail in one stretch. I take breaks, and during one of those breaks, I was walking as I saw two Hispanic women with two kids playing by the lake. One of the kids seemed to be making her way towards me. As she was toddler-walking her way in my direction, the younger lady walked up and grabbed her hand. While the woman was en route back to the lake, she seemed to fixate on me for a few moments, almost as if she knew me. I couldn’t clearly see her as the sun was shining directly on my eyes, but I thought I recognized her from what I could see of her. She looked like a girl that went to my middle and high school. I hadn’t thought of her in years until that point. I made nothing of it and continued my jog. Sometime later during the week, I get a new follower on Instagram. It’s the girl I thought I saw at Reedy Creek. As I’m creeping thru her pictures, she’s now a married woman who’s also a mother of two.
Last week after I updated my website, one of my old neighbors hit me on Twitter. I haven’t seen or spoke to him since he graduated from high school, which was 2009 I think. It was strange speaking to him, if I am going to be honest with you. Him and I found common ground in our love for basketball. That’s how we bonded. We hooped almost on the daily in my driveway or in his backyard, if we weren’t doing that, we would cool and talk hoops. We even went to Carowinds together, which I had forgot until he brought it up. Remember the pleasant surprise that comes with reminders, that comes with forgetting? It would’ve been like a neighborhood dream fulfilled to play on Varsity with him, but he was so different around other people, man. I couldn’t stand it. After my freshman year, we didn’t interact much, with the exclusion of a few conversations here and there during a time where he found my girlfriend's older sister attractive. Things were so dissimilar every time our peers were around and I never wanted to be a part of it. I simply blamed this on growing up, although I resented him for this for quite some time. In our messages, he goes on to ask about my mother, my father, and my brother, all of which I appreciated. He adds in how he’s always admired how different I was even when he wasn’t mature enough to understand it back then. Coming from him, that was special. I was humbled, but I still wasn’t man enough to tell him everything I had felt between us in high school. To me though, it doesn't matter at this point. I've let bygones be bygones and it has left me with peace. This goes for many things. His sister lives in Winston now, she has a kid, so he’s an uncle now. I stay up late and cry some nights thinking of how wonderful life is. The journey is still continuing whether we take the time out of our day to realize it or not. Everybody experiences time differently, but the thing is, is we all experience time. I think we forget that sometimes, but when we do remember, we feel more connected to each other than ever regardless of race, religion, or any other differences. We vowed to get up in the upcoming weeks, something I’ll be looking forward to.
That night, as I was going to bed, I kept looking thru the photos. So many emotions were felt that I haven’t felt ever before. Not only did I see these people, but I saw a kid I no longer recognized. I saw someone I don’t see in the mirror every day and it made me miss myself more than ever. I used to be so venturesome, even in times where I had to fake the courage to feel like I was living life how I was supposed to. I am happy though. The thing is, I don't know whether I'm not as content as I used to be, or if it's the nostalgia taking over making things seem better than they were. I went back on my old blogs and read writings almost 10 years old. Reading my old writings, it seemed I was full of possibility, full of adventure, and full of life. I found myself wanting to learn more about the naive author behind these writings and in these photographs. I closed my eyes and my mind drifted off into a dream-hypothetical situation of some sort. What if I could have a conversation with him, what would it be like? I had so many questions to ask, but I would have more to answer to than he did. He would probably ask me questions such as, what changed you? How did it get this far, it being the lack of courage to chase your dreams? Did you win a Grammy yet? Are you still a picky eater?! Besides the last question, I wouldn't know what to tell him. I would try to offer him the best advice I could by telling him to not let the dream die. Even if you are insecure about it, go for it. Nobody really knows what they're doing. The year is 2017 and your peers are all graduated except you, but they don't seem happy no matter how many degrees they have or however many drinks they drink on the weekend when they're reunited with their college friends. Don't believe the hype Ratha, don't be afraid to stray away from the norm. The facade that is social media has nothing to do with you. People aren't as happy as they seem to be on the internet, keep working Ratha, keep working. It will pay off, not soon, but it will pay off. I don't know how the teenage version of me would take it, but it appears I want more than ever for another chance to get things right, though I realize if all I’m in search for is a first time for times I’ve experienced, I’ll be searching forever. I’m a bit irrational at this point, because I don’t even know what getting things right would even look like, or what it would even be like. Things could be right, right now but I wouldn't understand because I'm always in question of the journey, especially when the destination isn't even remotely in sight. In this game of life, I wish there was a cheat code for time, to either add more or to rewind. Since there isn’t, I must continue, much like the journey, even in times where I lack understanding and direction. I don’t know what kind of twisted plan these strange things that have been happening are all a part of, but whatever it is, I hope it begins to feel familiar soon.
I can’t stand not recognizing myself anymore.
-RDL4EVER
PS---Since happiness is only real when shared, I figured I'd share this. My favorite Japanese joint in Charlotte is actually Nori Japan located in the FOOD COURT of South Park Mall. I had their Teriyaki chicken joint for the first time in months Saturday night and it was wonderful. They will not disappoint. (And no I wasn't paid for this.)