Getting Further Away
I was asked the other night if I feel like I’ve changed. Without much thought I responded by saying I feel as I’m the same person I was when I was 18. That was 6 years ago. Thinking back on it, I don’t find my answer too far from the truth. I don’t see much change when I look in the mirror and reflect on myself. Still have acne. Still starry-eyed with big dreams. Still only get my hair cut by my mom. Still love sports. Still out-dressing everybody within a 10-mile radius (ha). Still willing to give women second chances in hopes they’ll turn out to be everything I painted them out to be. Still writing. Still not satisfied…. Maybe that’s why I have a problem with people changing, because I don’t. Maybe that’s why I’m so nostalgic. I'm hanging onto times I can’t let go.
It’s like I’m the same but with more regrets. I used to think ‘just going for it’ was a fool-proof plan of action to prevent regrets, but I was wrong because you can regret going for some things. Examples include giving second chances to ungrateful women and being unprepared for the consequences that follow. These past few months have been floating past me. I can’t even explain to myself how I feel, much less why I feel what I feel. Things are beginning to feel similar to the fall of 2012. I’m back on medication I haven’t been on since then. Watching Cosmos and hearing my mom tell me her and my dad are growing older had an impact on me. I hate hearing those words from her, but it is true what they say; our parents are growing older as we are growing up. I’ve got to try harder and do better. I’m under extreme personal pressure to make something of myself and give back as much as I can to my parents and my closest confidants.
After speaking to Kellz last week, I thought about a lot of things in depth. Being one of the few people who knew me before things became the way they are, she’s forever a reminder of my days back home. Kellz knows all the local spots, even all the back roads I used to drive on. We grew up around the same area so our home is almost one in the same. I feel inherently connected to anybody that experienced their teenage years in Holly Springs, Apex, and Cary in between the years 2007-2011. They just get it. The Youth of The Peak. The Youth of The Triangle. I was telling her how we said we were supposed to have things figured out by now. We were supposed to be millionaires and having the times of our lives. Now the times of our lives seem mundane as ever by definition and we can’t seem to find the feeling we thought we’d have in the time that passes us. All these expectations lead to regret. All this thinking leads to nostalgia. It’s like a match made in heaven that simulates some sort of personal hell. Not like things are ever that serious for me, but I do feel down at times when I can’t make sense of it all.
Imagine working on the same puzzle with the same pieces for 6 years only to get the same result over and over. You’ll begin to have second thoughts about whether this puzzle is for you or not. Or perhaps you’ll begin to question whether something is missing, whatever that may be. Whether it’s a piece, perseverance, or a lack of understanding of what the final product is supposed to resemble, things get frustrating. Self-confidence dips. Insecurities grow. Confusion commences. You’ll see others completing their puzzles, showing extreme gratitude and satisfaction. You’ll want to experience those same things, but when you think of trading your puzzle in for one like theirs, you’ll realize you wouldn’t feel those feelings completing an identical one. At this point, it’s mediocrity vs happiness. I guess the road to happiness is filled with much more unhappiness than I had previously anticipated. So much I’m beginning to think it may not be worth it, but I’ll continue to persevere in hopes ‘just going for it’ doesn’t lead to another regret, as mediocrity would be the heaviest of them all.
Maybe 6 years from now when I’ve made progress I’ll feel different, almost as if I’ve changed by then.