24 in '17
It’s the eve of my 24th birthday and there's a lot of praying hands and laughing emoji's in my inbox. I can’t explain how I feel and how humbling Earth Day is for me every year.
Tonight, I went rock wall climbing with my big bro and Nikki. They had this rope attached to the ceiling of the first floor about 18-20 feet high that you could climb. Although I’m afraid of heights, I decided to climb it with my bare hands. As I was at the top, one arm length away from touching the ceiling, I lost my grip and fell. The fall wasn’t as bad as I thought, but it was loud and when I sat up everyone was looking at me. I hated making a scene, as incidental as it was, but I loved making progress on becoming someone I’ve always wanted to become. Someone who can face their fears willingly.
On the way home, I began filling my brother in on the details of my life I felt he was missing out on over some indistinct Kiss FM radio station playing in the background. I told him how (after 'serious' internet research and forum browsing) I self-diagnosed myself as being depressed. Depressed being defined as an indifference to everything as opposed to the stigma of feeling sad. After watching Cosmos and studying the stars at length back in Winter, I began my journey on what seemed like a personalized existential crisis, catering to all my fears and regrets. I explained to him how photography money is good, but it doesn’t form lasting relationships built on interpersonal interaction and emotional connection. Because of that, I got a part-time job as a bus boy working at a restaurant on the south side of the city. At that moment, in between the high-beams and commercial street lights blurring past us on highway 55, it dawned on me that depression and anxiety didn’t exist to me 5 years ago.
But, let’s take it back a couple of years before.
The year is 2010 and I'm 17.
When I was 17, I ruled the world. I had it all. I had my own money. I was lucky enough to have girls naive enough to love me for who I thought I'd become. I had a future in which I was so sure it would pan out how I imagined for the simple fact I was happy, and happiness brought confidence. Confidence brought faith, but sometimes in this life, you need more than faith to be happy. I was driving around Apex referring to a ‘99 Camry as the Camborghini pretending I was in Bel-Air cruising a real Lamborghini. Listening to Drake pretending to be him in hopes I could be him in a few years. Blogging about life because I thought my experience was meaningful to other teenagers with dreams bigger than they'd like to admit to their peers. Life had no rules, better yet no consequences because I was never caught in being caught up. As evasive as I was, time became more elusive.
All of this seemed amazing at the time and even in retrospect, although back then I would’ve never climbed these ropes I'm thinking of climbing now due to fear. Fear is synonymous with the unknown. The unknown feels better when ignored, and the best way to do that is to focus on what you know, which is the present. I never thought much about my birthdays past the age of 18. Not that I expected life to end at age 18, but I was so in the moment everything else seemed distant. I’ve always been the type to think I have more time than I really do. Procrastination, excuses, insecurity, and lack of understanding has led me to where I'm at now. I don’t want people to read this and take it the wrong way thinking I have some terrible life, because I don’t. My life is phenomenal in all actuality, it’s just that sometimes I get lost in people and things that distract me from my original plans and end up regretting my time spent with those distractions. I always thought I’d have things figured out by now. Turns out I have nothing figured out with the exception of a few of these hoes and how to write decently.
It’s amazing what time can show you if you’re willing to open your eyes and take a look. One minute you’re an innocent teenager full of possibility, the next you’re in your mid-20's wondering where your dreams are and how you can keep them alive. I’ve been searching for signs that'll direct me to answers in the things I can’t change. Signs such as people reminding me of how much they believe in me during a heart to heart. Or when people tell me they’re getting impatient with me because I haven’t been returning texts, ignoring not only them, but my aspirations to be one of the greatest writers and rappers of all-time. Signs such as my two favorite numbers being 24 (the number of my favorite basketball player, Kobe Bryant) and 17 (the number of my favorite football player, Philip Rivers) and how I'm turning 24 in 2017. It also helps to think my dad is part Chinese which makes me inherently Chinese as well and according to the Chinese horoscope, 2017 is the year of the rooster which also so happens to be the year I was born on, 1993. Oh, and being born on Earth Day is special every year, too.
The message I perceive the universe attempting to get through to me is better than the one I’ve been telling myself. Now. Now. Now. Go out and get everything you’ve been waiting for. Go out and find love. Get to meeting new people. Start living more. Now isn’t the time for patience, but instead, now is the time for action. Go out and grab the rope. Begin climbing.
If all these signs lead me to answers I’ve been looking for, then may there be continued blessings and laughs, not only in my inbox, but in my life and the lives of those in mine. A little money, growth, and creative recognition wouldn’t be so bad, either.
24.