Sleepless in June
At times it doesn’t feel like it, but I’m lucky my life isn’t set in stone yet. Some nights I’d trade away the possibility for stability, but the regret of the mundane would eat me alive in the long run. Would a 9-5 career be good for me at the moment? I think so, but it doesn’t compare to what could be. In my eyes at least. I’m not sure the patience is worth it at this point, but that’s an in the moment thing. It’ll be worth it when things begin manifesting themselves in my favor. The conflict of a kid who believes in himself, yet is intimidated by the world. It makes me question how much I believe in who I think I am, someone I may not even be. I always thought I’d change the world, but lately the world’s been changing me. I’ve found myself in limbo more than I’ve ever been before. The could’ve beens, the would’ve beens, the should’ve beens, none of which exist on this timeline of mine. I’m beginning to think they were all impossible to begin with the way things fell out of place. Pieces of me being left behind to be forgotten. I believe I’m growing, but I question it in times of desperation because growth shouldn’t feel stagnant. It should be uncomfortable, and that’s bare minimum. I feel stuck. I’m either living in the past or living in the future, never in the moment. Presently, my present has been presented with anticipation or reflection as opposed to action. I refuse to be a victim, so I take the blame. It’s extremely difficult and eye-opening to hold yourself accountable. I’ve been living life uninspired recently. Nothing touches me like it did when I was a teenager roaming the streets of Apex. I believe I can do no wrong when I’m inspired, and lately I haven’t been doing any right. This girl who I had the biggest crush on in college recently had her white coat ceremony and I thought of the days when I used to think of ways to approach her and admit my feelings to her. White coat ceremony?? Sheesh, I couldn’t be happier for her. Ironically, she’s dating an Asian at the moment. Romance is funny sometimes. My guy Obeezy just graduated with his Master’s from Columbia and is living the dream in NYC. To be in your 20’s and live in the greatest city in the world is the greatest simulation one can be stuck in. Maybe next life time. Young kids doing great things makes me think of what could’ve been. What could’ve been could still be, generally speaking. In times of lost hope, I find my way back to the possibilities not by comparing success, but by comparing work. People are making millions off, what I perceive to be, mediocre writing. It’d be arrogant to say my writing is better in a matter of subjective perception, but it’d be morally wrong for me to sit here and lie to you. I’ve convinced myself all I need is an opportunity, but maybe there’s more to it than I’m believing. To say I’m not happy would mean I’m ungrateful, which isn’t the case. I’m guess I’m frustrated, whatever various feelings that entails. I’m rambling at this point because it’s late, but it’s hard to deal with at times.
I should really get some sleep.