Balancing Change
I want to believe I’m in control, but how can I be for certain? When I think of free will, I don’t have it. When I don’t think of free will, I have it. It leaves me in between living life with the notion the things meant to be will be and making things the way I want them to be, respectively.
I didn’t go to sleep last night. I wasn’t watching television, nor listening to music. I was up attempting to reason the nature of this universe to myself. Who is responsible for all of this? Why are we here, better yet why am I here? If our destinies’ are set in stone, why are we clouded with the illusion of decisiveness? The smokes and mirrors of religion and science complicate our innate curiosity with particular biases, biases I’m open to from both sides. I believe in research, yet I find peace in the idea of seeing our loved ones again.
I’ve been in question of life and the way things happen. Instead of going along with it, I’ve spent the better part of this past decade actively avoiding change. What was back then was so good to me in those moments I’ve resorted to living in the past, especially after midnight. Change is something I struggle with. It’s a part of a perpetual cycle of missed opportunities, regret, and nostalgia. I reminisce because I miss times. I miss times because I reminisce. Turns out regret is a byproduct of nostalgia, who knew? One thing I’ve learned for myself is I am the source of my happiness and I am the source of my regret.
Whether it be a product of ego or extreme conviction, I’ve been stuck in my ways. I consider myself a person of discretion, in terms of both decision-making and maintaining privacy. It’s ironic because I avoid conversation with certain women because I’ve convinced myself I’m better off alone, yet I spend countless nights searching for closure. I saw a tweet a few nights ago saying ‘what’s stopping you from being with who you really want to be with?’ Maaaaaan, that shit got me thinking. What is stopping me from being with who I want to be with? What’s stopping me from being who I want to be? What’s stopping me from doing anything??? Fear? Fear of what? Fear of rejection? Fear of looking stupid? Fear of failure? Perhaps ego? Pride? Anxiety?
Viewing things in this light makes me feel like I’m in control, like free will does exist. I’ve been slowly testing out this hypothesis by making decisions. Decisions like being honest in my opinions instead of neutral. I woke up to a text last week of someone saying they had gotten cheated on. I responded by advising them to go no contact and let it go. No friends, no nothing. I can’t ever view someone I’ve loved as a friend, but maybe that’s just me and my convictions again.
Because my parents are embarking on a month-long trip to Australia and Cambodia, I got my haircut by someone who isn’t my mom two days ago. Nobody else besides her has cut my hair for the past 25+ years. For those of you who know, you know how big that is. I altered my usual haircut a little, which felt a bit liberating. You know how bitches get heartbroken and do something mad different with their hair? That’s what I did, except I wasn’t as experimental with it and I didn’t go through a break up, I’m just going through an inner-crisis between change and regret. Another change I’m making is I’m striving to be active on social media. I’ve spoken about my gripes with social media before, but I want to be able to keep in contact with people. I want to partake in something that will define this time of life for many of my peers together. These changes along with others in my personal life such as remaining in contact with women who’ve broken my heart (and vis-versa) and chasing a ghost of my adolescent dreams has me in limbo more than ever.
I don’t know how I feel about the principle of it, but I’m sure it’ll come to me in retrospect. Time has its ways in delivering feelings in a concise manner of understanding long after those emotions have subsided.
I’m floating through a cloud of destiny engulfed in freewill. There are a plethora of consequences and rewards for the way I’ve been living lately, none of which I’ve experienced at the moment of this writing but will soon chalk up to experience sometime in the future. Ask me how I feel these days and I’ll answer well truthfully, but ask me how things are going and I’ll tell you the answer lies within the question truthfully: things are going. When you become open enough to teach things to yourself you’ve been dying to learn, it is then you will find the courage to pick up the pen and begin writing a new chapter in your life. Although things may not feel how they normally do in the predictable-manner they usually present themselves in, the excitement keeps you in the moment and on your toes. Change by decision is empowering and growth by destiny is divine, making the lack of stability for me at the moment more than bearable. Whether this is a result of destiny or free will, I will never know.
Ironic how you pay your balance in return for change.
The transaction of life.