4-Year Plan

A girl came into my job earlier yesterday and I asked if she had any Easter plans while I was cashing her out. She responded by saying she didn’t because she’d be working, but she celebrated last night as her birthday was today. I wished her a happy birthday before I asked her how old she was turning. She responded, ‘too old’ and I told her I felt the same because my birthday was in 2 days. Turns out she turned 26 and I was soon to follow. I mentioned how crazy it is how close we are to 30. The transaction concluded and as she left I retreated to the back of the store thinking about 30.

With everything going on right now, sometimes I wish I was 15 again living with my parents in Apex. Life was grand 10 years ago. Aware of emotional bias, nostalgia is still of considerable power in the realm of persuasion. Maybe it’s too much internet, but I feel hyper-aware these days. The hyper-awareness I feel on a daily-basis has led me to mild anxiety. It has also stripped me of my innocence, or so it feels. I carry my day either reminiscing on the past or stressing about the future. When I was 15, I was such a youthful spirit living in the moment. I would say I’ve maintained my spirit but living in the moment is extremely difficult for me now. As ironic as it may sound, life was more when I had less. For instance, though I didn’t have my license at 15, life was more liberating in comparison to the recent years in my 20’s. I could go on, but you get the point.

Through the presence of social media and the perpetual highlight reel of my peers, it’s easy to get lost in the perception of age-based success. Because high school is 4 years and ideally a bachelor’s degree is 4 years as well, I’ve been taking life by 4-year increments since I was 14. Turning 26 marks the end of my most recent 4-year chapter. I look back at what I’ve done and what I’ve accomplished since I turned 22. At face-value, I could’ve gotten a degree in that amount of time, but instead I chose to express myself. In the past 4 years I’ve released 3 songs, launched my website, released my first book, got online published for the first time, released an audio-book album, and launched a blog that has been updated everyday since Sunday March 12th 2017. Though all the above are personal accomplishments and they look good on paper, there is no real-life metric to measure the impact they’ve had not only on my life, but on others’ lives as well. This past fall it left me to question whether or not expressing myself was sustainable, so I enrolled back at UNCC to complete not only my degree, but a promise I made to my parents as well as myself. Although at the time of this writing I’m timorous of my dreams and aspirations, I’m simultaneously aware that I love creating works of expression in an honest manner, and that no matter what anyone tells me, love is sustainable. That I do know.

As subjective as it may sound, I feel like I’ve become a better version of who I was at 22, although it did come with a few trade-offs. I’ll be the first to admit I’m a hypocrite in different facets of life. Hypocrisy can bring perspective and perspective may bring acceptance in the vacancy of understanding. At least that’s how I see it. I believe in climate change and global warming, but I will still travel via planes and SUVs. I do not believe in the notion that one form of life is worth more than any other, yet I’ll eat chicken and avoid eating alternative forms of meat such as rabbits, deer, or horse. I understand I’m not perfect, and I attempt to embrace my flaws-- for the most part—so I tend to see reflections of myself in other people through interaction. I’m a firm believer differences should be appreciated, and similarities should be shared. I wish I didn’t know about political agenda. I wish politics didn’t come with victimization and ego, and that democrats, independents, apathetics, and republicans could accept each other how they accept themselves. Growing older allows life to teach perspective through reflection, but it comes at a cost of our innocence and our ability to be naive. I say this because I’m learning that ignorance really is bliss.

When this newfound chapter of 4-years is completed, I’ll be a ripe 30. I don’t know what I want to accomplish by then, but I hope to still believe in my ability to change the world and make this planet a better place for us all. That would be an accomplishment itself in my eyes. I hope to still be continuing on this journey of perspective and reflection with honesty, integrity, and courage. I hope, matter of fact, I will put myself and those around me in a better position to live out their dreams by then. Trips to Bali, hosting Saturday Night Live and thanking your parents during the opening monologue for everything they’ve done, falling in love, walking your dog, skating at the Rockefeller center during Christmas season in New York City with snow falling, trying new foods, failing, winning Grammy’s, doubting yourself then succeeding, skateboarding with the homes in Los Angeles, late night Cookout runs to reminisce on college days, sharing a bed with someone you’re enamored by….. life has so much to offer, we just have to put ourselves in positions to accept.

By the end of my shift yesterday, I closed up shop and admired all the life I was surrounded by on Central Ave. People were out walking the streets, some friends, some lovers. Smiles on the kids running around outside The Pizza Peel. More than lights, energy illuminated Central Ave all the way down to the city a few miles away. I felt reinvigorated. I wanted to be a part of the party that is now. I got in my car, put my windows down, and drove home listening to music embracing what life is for me in this moment, eager to begin with myself.

Life felt grand, kind of how it felt when I was 15.