Stranger Than Fiction

Taken my first time flying into LAX, circa 2009

I don’t know when we were introduced to each other, but what I do know is we both fell in love with the game long before we met.

I’ll never forget the moment I found out. I had just gotten back from a walk with Bagel while listening to Chuck and EJ’s podcast. As I put my phone on the bathroom counter, a notification flashed with a missed call from Meezy. Meezy and I speak often, but we rarely talk through the phone. Instead, we choose to communicate through text and social media, so when I saw his call, I knew something was up. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but my intuition felt darker than it usually did. I called him back, only to get a facetime audio from him. He asked if I had heard the news. I told him I hadn’t because I was walking. I’m thinking he’s going to tell me something happened to a mutual friend of ours, so I ask what’s up. By this point, Meezy’s struggling to hit me with the news, not because he’s crying or because he’s emotional, but in retrospect probably because he didn’t know how I was going to react. After 15 seconds or so, he says it’s about you. Immediately, I Google your name, and I couldn’t believe what I was reading. There were two articles at the time from unreliable sources and not much else. He told me nobody had confirmed anything, but a verified Calabasas Twitter account confirmed a helicopter accident within the past hour. I sat on my bed shocked before I got a call from my mom. Likewise, she asked if I’d heard the news. I told her I had, but nothing was confirmed yet. My mom said she thought it was real before handing the phone off to my dad. He told me to remain calm as we got off the phone. I laid in bed for the next 4 hours in solitude trying to piece things together as new [mis]information came out.

I wanted to be alone, but I didn’t want to be in silence, so I put the Pro Bowl on and at one point, they had a tribute photo of you on the jumbotrons. As things were getting realer and realer by the minute, life felt just as surreal on the opposite end of the spectrum. Although I never got to play in the league, I always thought we’d cross paths at some point. Especially when you got into writing and story-telling, it seemed inevitable. As much as life has taught us to expect the unexpected, I’m very much naïve in my ways still. Maybe it was because I refused to believe things initially, but this seemed fictitious. It seemed like life was on a trial run, like we were encapsulated in a bad dream in which if you were to pass, this is how it would play out. But how could this happen? You were bigger than basketball, bigger than Nike sneakers and endorsements. You were larger than life.

Just a few days ago, the Chargers parted ways with Phil. I’m not sure if I’ll truly ever adapt to change. Rather, I just deal with it. Because change brings forth emotion, in order for me to adapt, I’d have to become so detached from everything and everyone that I’d feel nothing. As much as I’d rather not feel what I’m feeling, I’d rather feel this than nothing at all. I’m realizing if I’m capable of being sad, I’m equally as capable of being grateful. It’s easy to feel a multitude of emotions during tragedy, but our minds are powerful in their aptness to focus. Are we going to let our minds control us? Or are we going to control our minds? Of course, some days aren’t manageable, but others, when I can shift my focus to gratitude for all the memories you’ve given me throughout the years, it’s not too bad. One of my favorite memories was when my dad was painting the garage at our house in Apex, the house I grew up in. Game 4. 06 playoffs. First round. You hit a game-winner in overtime, the first I’d ever seen live. I ran through the house screaming, then to the garage to tell my dad what had happened. The 09’, 10’ championships. All the battles between you and Bron I’d watch with E debating who was better. I made time to spend a portion of the day watching you beat the young Thunder in OT on my 19th birthday at Staples in my freshman dorm room with Meezy. That was the game Metta elbowed the hell out of James, I’ll always remember.

I could go on and on as I’m sure the world can, but on the off-chance we get to meet in a setting somewhere other than this physical life, the first thing I’d tell you is:

Thank you.