2023: The Year of Being All Over

2023 was a crazy fucking year, where do I begin?

The summer of 2022, I was browsing Netflix looking for something to watch during a late-night episode of insomnia. I came across Fools Rush In. It looked interesting and given the plot, I decided to take a chance on it. From the opening credits, it was one of those movies I didn't want to end. It was a rom-com, it had top-tier 90’s film aesthetic, and it starred familiar faces in Salma Hayek and that one guy from Friends. After days of avoiding the ending, I finished Fools Rush In by the end of the week and took to IMDB to rate it a 10/10.

A year later, I was in the Target book section. That guy from Friends who was Salma's love interest in Fools Rush In had a book out. It was called: Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing. The inner panel was intriguing, so I put the book down and ordered it in used condition for a few dollars off Amazon. The book ironically came from a library located in a town about 40 minutes away called Waltham. I took to reading Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing this past summer, though I never finished it because it was so damn good. (Do you notice a pattern?) Turns out the guy from Friends name is Matthew Perry. Ironically, I always thought Friends wasn't funny at all. I remember having an indifferent opinion on Friend's when I was younger while my sister was watching it, but I gave it another chance in 2016 and it still wasn't for me. Regardless, I know Friends is of such cultural relevance I can't talk down on it.

As I'm reading the book, I'm thinking of how incredible Matt's life was. His mom was an assistant to the Prime Minister of Canada. He would wrestle a kid named Justin Trudeau, who eventually became the Prime Minster of Canada years later. When he moved to Los Angeles as an unaccompanied minor to live with his dad (who was the original Old Spice guy) he began acting. By the time he was 18, he was making a good amount of money from different gigs. He co-starred in a film with River Phoenix shortly thereafter. Matt then described his addiction to alcohol, which was 'the Big Terrible Thing.' I find it interesting how very successful people can get caught up in addiction, but perhaps that’s because they have the means to. I don’t want to make addiction a problem of privilege because anyone from any financial background can be addicted to whatever, but it’s just a thought. In one instance he was in Switzerland for a detox. When he checked out, he flew a private jet back to Los Angeles. He tried to get the same pain meds he got addicted to from Switzerland in LA but found out the dosage was illegal here in the states. So, what did he do? He paid $175,000 for another private jet to get back to Switzerland in order to get more pain meds. Or how he made out with Eddie Van Halen’s wife at their apartment when he was just 19. I thought to myself how unbelievable his life had been after reading some of the stories Matt decided to share in his memoir.

One day while I was working in the lab (thinking there had to be another way to live life), I decided to tell some of my coworkers in close vicinity the story of the 175k private jet. I told them Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing has been compelling thus far, then we got to talking about book recommendations.

That moment came and went.

In October, Priyank decided to host a Halloween Party. He invited his close friends, family, and a group of our coworkers. There are two things I remember about that night. Well three, but I'll spare the details of one of them. The first thing I remember was not being able to parallel park the Sequoia. I called Jennifer so she could help parallel park and tell me why she came out dressed as me. It probably was top 3, top 2 funniest moments of the year. I could not stop laughing because she had an orange Carhartt beanie, Crocs, and Nocta/OVO written on her knuckles. She had eyelashes for a mustache and a goatee lmaoooo. Jennifer was able to parallel park for me, then we went into the party. The party was fire. Priyank's playlist was a vibe and his place was decorated perfectly for the cause. At one point, we go in his room, and everyone is talking. Love life, work life, plans, etc. I'm sitting on his bed listening to the conversation when one of our co-workers looks at her phone and tells us Matthew Perry died. In my mind, I thought to myself 'I was just reading his book.' And that was the second thing I remembered about Priyank's Halloween party. I drove home thinking about Matthew Perry, his life, and the direction of mine thus far in 2023.

I did things this year for the first time, which is an accomplishment in itself. This life has so much to offer should you be in search that if you're blessed to be able to live another year, another day, why not try something for the first time? Whether it be something as simple as trying a new dish or something that takes more planning such as traveling somewhere new, it's important to experience things for the first time. This year, I was fortunate enough to travel more. It gave me the travel bug, which I think they call wanderlust. I vividly remember touching down in San Juan last January. As we were on our final descent, I looked out the window and all I could think about was the Even Stevens movie. Everything looked like a film set. When we landed, people started clapping lol. The weather was sooooo nice. It felt amazing to be kissed by the Puerto Rican sun when we walked out baggage claim and towards the rental car center. Getting the rental then driving to the hotel was a feeling I don't think I've felt in years. I can't remember the last time I traveled somewhere for the first time before then. It gave me a feeling of possibility, the sense of being alive. It's understood there are seasons in life, but I want to be stuck in one with sun and palm trees rather than one with pine and snow. Originally, we wanted the ocean view for our hotel room, but there was an issue with the reservation when we pulled up and they ended up giving us the city view. I think it was meant to be because I remember every morning waking up to the view of the whole island from the 18th floor feeling revitalized at familiarizing myself with something new, then going to sleep amazed at all the life under the distant moonlight. That view represented the world to me, and my time there represented possibility. I started seeing things differently. I began to move with more intent. When we returned to Boston a week later, it was snowing as we rode the Woburn Express back to North Reading. Staring out the window at flurries and salt trucks was my signal that I had to make a change. Traveling to Puerto Rico was the beginning of it. That trip changed my life in more ways than one.

I don't know if enough time has passed for me to realize all I've learned this past year, but one thing I was able to see up close and personal is that you can't love someone out of their insecurities. Eventually, it'll make you feel less than because no matter what you do, your love will never be enough. Though you possess an unlimited amount of love to give, the bottleneck is your energy, which is something that is not expendable. Some nights I still wake up exhausted from the thought of it all, ready to be relieved by love at the right time. When you love hard, letting go is not an easy task by any means. You always feel like you can do more, but when nothing could be done in the first place, what good is more? Especially at the cost of yourself? I’m still learning that mistakes come with shame and that shame over time leads to self-sabotage. Therefore, justification is needed in order to process the past which will blame the trigger, rather than the event itself, but in reality, there is no accountability because the trigger is a sign of unhealed trauma. So slander ensues, and group chats engage in the whole “you’re better off without him” when in reality you couldn’t have been better with him. Or with anyone for that matter. Ego clouds thought when emotions rain, but someday when the storm passes there will be light shine upon good intentions and pure love that was mistaken as arrogance and close-mindedness as a result of abandonment issues and unresolved trauma masked by anger. Defensive mechanisms can sometimes be like the boy who always cried wolf: anxiety-ridden and full of imaginative façade.

You know the real you yet refuse to accept it. I know the real you and you attempt to deny it.

The night before my birthday we had gotten back from getting all you can eat sushi at some Japanese joint right off the Treasure Island. I don’t favor sushi, but they had great teriyaki and spring rolls. When we got back, we warmed the hot tub up outside the AirBnb. Another couple pulls up after getting dropped off via Uber. They join us in the hot tub as we talk about why we’re in Tampa. They were from North Dakota and were taking a vacation. As we are talking, the girl is sitting on the edge of the hot tub with her legs dipped in. The hot tub is decently tall in height, about 4.5 feet off the ground. You had to climb steps to get in. I say this because mid-conversation she falls out of the hot tub on her back on the concrete. We got out and checked on her and shorty definitely took a hit. The husband took her upstairs and the next day we never saw their car at the AirBnb again. When I went inside, before taking a shower I checked my phone. It was past midnight. I had turned 30 and spent my night ringing it in, in a hot tub at Treasure Island via a registered nurse who grew up in Wingdale, New York. My relationship with age is one devoid of logic. I look at some of my peers and their spirit seems exhausted beyond repair. Though I may be tired emotionally from time, my spirit is one filled with vibrancy and light-hearted laughter most days. Yet, when I come across those younger than me, I feel such a disconnect. Conversations of work cliques and drama which fill the topic of discussions at lunch are difficult to listen to these days. Though I've never been one to be invested in these things, the entertainment used to be exciting. Now, it seems I can find better entertainment elsewhere. Entertainment like finding good fitting pants. Entertainment like Amazon same-day shipping. Entertainment like getting a table for one at Pellana in front of the fireplace and agreeing for the waitress to bring out the wine list just so I can look and make sure I could buy any wine from their menu regardless of price knowing I don’t drink.

Still, regardless of how I feel, the milestone of turning 30 is one which comes with gratitude. Appreciation for experiences that turn into memories. Appreciation for opportunities that follow through into completed goals. Appreciation for people God put in my life, who give me life on days where I feel there's nothing to left to give. There are so many good people in my life I can count on, that I almost can't count. That's a real blessing if I've ever heard of one.

Besides turning 30 in 2023, I had the honor of being the best man at my brother Spencer's wedding. It was such a momentous ceremony celebrating such a beautiful couple. It looked like it was going to rain, but the sun came out as we walked to the altar. I was lucky to make it to the reception with two dry eyes. Love is such a hard thing to come across in life, so any celebration of it is beautiful by default. It's not so much about finding love, but rather creating it then keeping it. All with the right person, of course. I was his witness on his marriage papers, so you know when the time comes, he's gotta return the favor. They say the day you get married is the best day of your life, and I hope it was for them because it was one of the best days of mine. This year, Money’s daughter turned one and Erica became a mom for the first time. These are wonderful moments and milestones in life I hope I’ll be fortunate enough to experience and look back on someday, but for now I’ll be celebrating for those I love from the sidelines. It simply wasn’t written for it to happen for me yet, which I take as a sign I still have some things to accomplish before those days come.

Death hit my family hard these past 12 months. At the beginning of the year, my auntie passed away suddenly. Growing up she resembled my mother so much I thought they were siblings, but in actuality her husband is my mom’s brother. Plus, they have this contagious aura filled with positivity and laughter, so it was hard not to see my mother in her. In April, my dad’s uncle passed away. Though he was distant to me, he was close to my father and as a family we carry the sorrow of these things together. My grandfather had a scare a few months ago, but thankfully after a few weeks in the ICU, he was able to come back home. I visited him earlier in December. As I sat in his living room, he asked if I was bored. I felt bad when he asked that question, because honestly, I wasn’t. I was sitting still trying to appreciate the moment. We always hear how life is fragile, but don’t realize it until you start to see cracks in the stained glass in this church of life, ones you pray don’t spiderweb into something bigger than what it is at the moment, though you know it’s inevitable. That’s why I can’t treat the people I love like I’ll see them again, because you never know. Just last week after dinner with Emilio and Ms. Mayra, we were on the way to her apartment. I’ve known Emilio and Ms. Mayra since 2005. That’s my brother and his mom has seen me grow into who I am today since I was 12. She asked if I still talked to a mutual friend of E and I on the way home from Longhorns during a cool Greenville evening. I told her I hadn’t spoken to the mutual friend since high school, but we weren’t as close as we were in middle school. I used to go to this house a few times a week to hang out back then. Ms. Mayra asked me if I knew his mom passed away last year. That came as a complete shock to me. I remember his mom and how kind she treated me as a kid. Kindness will never leave an appreciated soul. It’s like energy. It can’t be created nor destroyed, only passed down and I’m so thankful she was able to pass that on to me all those years ago. I feel like I’m at a point where death is getting commonplace, but that reality will never set in for me.

Since my birthday, I’ve been waking up a few nights out the week with my heart racing. They say comparison is the thief of joy. I do agree for the most part, but sometimes comparison teaches you potential by way of inspiration. I try to move with grace the best I can, but I'm not the biggest fan of my day to day. My job and my career fill the bulk of my time as it does for many people. Whenever people sit down and have stories to tell, I find myself coming to the conversation empty-handed. All I do is go to work only to find myself surrounded by people I don't want to be around. I'm sure they're good people (maybe not all) but they're not my people. The people I love and are close with at work know who they are, and they have been big blessings during my time in New England thus far. Commuting to and from is an hour each, so that's that. I’m drained and I can’t tell if it’s because I don’t like my job or if it’s because I feel I could be doing more. I also feel like I’m running out of time given the circumstances of what transpired this past year. There was this book a former co-worker told me to read in 2021. It’s called Die Empty, and the premise of the book is that the graveyard is the most expensive place in the world because there are so many dreams and genius ideas of those who lived yet never pursued. One of the biggest misconceptions according to the book is people think they should get as much out of life as possible, but instead we should be giving as much of ourselves to life so that when our time comes, we can die empty without regret and the thought of what if? Reading it shifted my perspective and now I feel the time is more urgent than ever to do what fear has kept me sidelined from for years. Why sell yourself short in this life? Why set a cycle of promotions as the end goal when you can be a business owner? Should you do the Lambo or the Rari? Why pick one when you can have both? It sounds like I’m talking crazy, but I’m saying I don’t want to settle for my life anymore. Though things are done in steps, I know I get ahead of myself, but you get the point.

I was so inspired this past summer when I went to New York City to visit Obed. For whatever reason, everything in New York City feels like a movie. The flowers and the fruit stands are saturated with such beautiful color. When you look up at the buildings, they go on forever. It’s like some of these skyscrapers could touch heaven. I woke up one morning in Obed’s living room on an air mattress to a call from my older brother, Chan. Chan asked where I was at and what I was up to. We spoke for 30 minutes. I told him O and I were going to this girl’s birthday lunch, but then after that, I had nothing planned. I brought up how I missed Drake in Brooklyn earlier in the week, but that he was at Madison Square Garden that night. Tickets were crazy bread, but Chan told me to go for it. He said why not? Long story short, after the birthday lunch, I found myself at Madison Square Garden seeing my idol perform. I swear when you look up to certain people, they don’t feel real. When Drake walked on stage it was like I was hallucinating. He ran through all the classics and even performed Say Something. I hadn’t been to a concert in 10 years, but this was one for the books. At one point during the show, Drake spoke to the crowd. He said when he first came to NYC to try to do music, a lot of people told him no, but that everybody in the crowd told him yes. That stuck with me, because I hope to be at MSG on the opposite side of that stage someday. I want the house with the view, the freedom money buys, and I want to live like I’ve always dreamed.

Because if someone else can do it, you can do it, too.

My friend Matthew Perry showed me this.

In 2024

I hope to see a Chargers game in Los Angeles, pray more, travel somewhere where the water is clear and the air is warm, release music, read 12 books (one a month), take more pictures, be on social media more, eat healthier, and continue to find things to experience for the first time.

Notable Artistic Milestones: the running diary turned 6 years old. (updated 2,191 days consecutively)

2023 Favorites

Favorite Album(s) of 2023: For All The Dogs - Drake, The Internet Ruined Us - Tyler Loyal

Favorite Book(s) Read: Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing - Matthew Perry, Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person - The School of Life, The Forever Dog - Rodney Habib & Dr. Karen Shaw Becker