2022: The Year of the Bear

2022 Monthly Portraits

(Click on any portrait/photo on this page to enlarge)

Notable Creative Milestones

2022 Favorites

Favorite Movie Watched: The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983)

Favorite Album: Her Loss, Back for Everything, Honestly, Nevermind

Her Loss, Drake

Back For Everything, Kodak Black

Honestly, Nevermind, Drake

Favorite Song/Other Favorites: love.drugs.sex, Dree Rivers

Spotify Wrapped 2022 (Use left and right arrows to scroll thru carousel)

Favorite Shoe Added to Collection: Kobe IV Prelude (2013)

Sporting Events

First NHL Game: Hurricanes vs Bruins, Boston (CAR-6, Bruins-0)

Favorite Sporting Event: Chargers vs Falcons, Atlanta (LAC-20, ATL-17)

Taken from the running diary:

6 years later, 11.6.22
money and i pulled up to the chargers/falcons game today. upon getting in, we were hungry so we bought hot dogs before going to our seats. as soon as we pull up, an usher tells us we didn't need to buy hotdogs because there's an open bar along with a buffet. confused, we followed his directions to go see another usher for our wristbands. the tickets so happen to be club seats for the amg lounge. we had private bathrooms, an unlimited bar, and a buffet. plus, we were exactly at the 50 yard line. it was unreal. we also had access to the field behind the falcons bench. they had an incredible shrimp alfredo pasta plus steak, wings, carrot cake, you name it. i feel like even if you don't enjoy football, anyone would enjoy this experience. it was lively, plus the game was good. we went down 10-0 early, but fought back to win 20-17 on a last second field goal as time expired. i've been lucky. out of the 5 chargers games i've been to, 4 of them have ended on game-winning field goals. 3 of which ended in our favor, including the chargers/falcons game money and i went to at the old georgia dome back in 2016. as soon as our field goal went through, money looked at me and said it's the exact ending as last time. we were in the nosebleeds in 2016 and we told ourselves we'd come back and be at the 50 yard next time, and that's exactly what we did. when we walked out, a lady noticed my chargers jersey then poked fun at my shorts. she said ‘we don’t wear shorts that short around here.’ i told her y’all obviously don’t win either lmaooo. money and i got a pic together with my film camera, but i know i looked fucked up because the usher was looking for the button to press and as i told him where to press, the camera flashed. we couldn't even take another photo because it was my last shot on that roll of film, smh. at least we got to experience the amg lounge, sitting at the 50, and in my case, a win.
i gotta get rich so i can do this every weekend.
-ratha, 7:34pm, 11.6.22

Favorite Book Read: The Perfect Day to Boss Up, Rick Ross

Favorite Restaurant: Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steakhouse (Seaport, Boston, Massachusetts)

2022: The Year of the Bear

The more I see of this life, the more I feel most of us are hamsters on the wheel of society. I am no exception, especially upon reflection of 2022. It seems we get so much done for others, yet at the end of the day nothing happens for us. To be busy, yet to never accomplish anything of significance is a tragedy that’s far too common in the corporate world. It’s true when they say you either build your own dreams or someone else will hire you to build theirs. Granted when you assist others in their dreams, you get a piece of the pie. Thing is, I’m not really a fan of pie, but you get it. The metaphor could work with anything, cake, pizza, etc, but honestly, I’m not a fan of killing myself for crumbs as well. Either way you slice it, it doesn’t work for me.

One morning, I woke up to a lively house. As I let Bagel in the backyard, my auntie and uncle were in town from Minnesota. We ate a grand lunch filled with laughter, lobster, and stir-fry. Post-meal, it’s my dad, my uncle, and I sitting at an empty table with our drinks. My uncle turns to me and says marriage is hard. He advises me to find someone who is similar to me, then gives an example of how an individual who loves to be outdoors will have issues with someone who is a homebody as their differences will cause friction over time. In a way I agree. Though I believe in compromise and sacrifice, I don’t believe in changing someone. The only change in love should be in the name of improvement and growth. Anything else is ego and insecurity at work, work that’s emotionally taxing at the end of the day. My uncle runs through many different topics over the next 45 minutes. From stressing how important it is to find the right woman (again), to running 4 miles a day, to being adamant on seeing the Grand Canyon, he said many things that afternoon from a place of wisdom and experience, but it was one thing in particular which resonated with me deeply.

My uncle told me to enjoy life for what it is. It sounds so elementary, but sometimes life becomes so convoluted we need reminders of simplicity from time. He explains how we, as humans, complicate our existence. There is no master purpose. There is no meaning to life. The only thing we can do is enjoy what we have with who we’re with. I’ve flirted with this idea before, but it creates so much cognitive dissonance regarding my ethics that I don’t get far with this train of thought. Adding on, he mentions there is so much self-suffering in the world. His hypothesis is most of our suffering comes from ourselves. The example provided was hiking and having anxiety at the thought of running into a bear. Ironically, I’ve had this exact situation happen to me while mushroom hunting during the fall of 2021. My uncle and I came across a couple hiking. We’re advised not to go any further as there’s a black bear in the direction we were headed. They show us a video of the black bear they took from a distance. The guy mentions it’s the biggest bear he’d ever seen. My uncle thanked him and told me not to worry about it as black bears are typically more afraid of us than we are of them. As soon as the couple walked off and we went our separate ways, my mind went into panic mode. I got so scared. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt terrified. I asked my uncle if we could go in the opposite direction. He chuckled, then agreed. 30 minutes later after hiking towards the road, we end up at the top of the mountain sharing a granola bar on a bench laughing about it. All was well, but for those 30 minutes, I was in such emotional distress. I was going through different scenarios in my head of confronting the bear. How would I defend myself and Bagel? What are the chances of survival? I Googled and found since 1900, there have been 61 deaths of humans caused by black bears. Though chance was on my side, all I could focus on was the exception. I can sit back and laugh at these thoughts, but in the moment, they’re so real it’s paralyzing. Almost as if it were happening, though nothing about our circumstances reflected nor warranted what I was feeling.

That’s when I came to a realization.

My favorite film photo I took this year. (Nike House of Innovation, NYC, 2022)

I realized the better part of my 20’s have been those 30 minutes between being informed of the existence of the bear, and reaching the top of the mountain. I laid in bed for hours that evening, reflecting on emotions I’ve experienced throughout the years. From hypochondriac tendencies to romantic hypotheses, to feelings of disquietude, these thoughts take up much real estate in my mind on a daily basis. I concluded most of my suffering is self-inflicted. An overwhelming amount of the anxiety I experience stems from myself. Not only is it from me, but it’s a direct product of overthinking. As my uncle left, he told me should I have food, shelter, and clothing, nothing else really matters. I asked him how to combat the phenomenon of self-suffering, and he told me the mind can only focus on one thing at a time. One of his coping mechanisms is to recite the alphabet backwards. Do it until the original thought no longer distracts from the task at hand. I’ve tried it a few times since our conversation, and it works for the most part. Sometimes I’ll revert to feelings of unease, but I believe it’s because overthinking is a habit of mine. Old habits die hard, but I feel I'm living easier these days.

2022 might not have come with much change, but it came with many moments of perspective and insight. I learn more about life, myself, and time as the years pass, but what good is knowledge without application? I’ve never applied myself fully to anything I’ve done in this life. Perhaps it’s due to consternation. Perhaps it’s due to the naive thought of tomorrow. Perhaps I’m still learning a lesson from a past life, one I hope to learn sooner rather than later. Career is promising thus far, but my personal life leaves much to be desired. I made more money than I ever have in these past 12 months and somehow, I don’t feel fulfilled. I suspect it’s because I’m in a gray area. How can I find contentment in my personal life without the freedom money provides, though how can I gain financial freedom without a career which inherently drains my personal life? I’ll figure it out the day I decide to apply myself, but for now, I believe that’s a catch 22, which is fitting for the type of year it’s been.

It’s difficult to condense everything I did these past 12 months into words because I’m sure I’ll forget some things, but here goes. This year I went back home twice. It wasn’t the same without Dono, but I know he was with us that weekend in Charlotte I spent with Dbaze and Money. The second time I went home, I came back with someone I had the most incredible first date with at Ruth Chris a month prior. I’m excited to see where things go. The closer we get, the more open-minded my mind is to the idea of the one, though I know my heart has been there since the day we met. I didn’t listen to many podcasts this year as I was more in-tune with the music. Bagel turned 10 in September, which is a blessing I try to count every day. 10 years?!? Time flew this past decade and I’m so grateful he’s been my co-pilot for our journey thus far. My sister and my brother came to visit, and we went to Acadia this past summer. This would mark the first time the whole family was together in more than 12 years, which was special. She also brought my niece, and my niece brought her friend. Uncle Dave and his wife came along too, so it really was a family affair. I want to do things like that more often. I attended my cousin’s wedding, and it made me think about my own. Where would it be? When would it happen? What song would the first dance be to? Finally, who would I share my vows with? I thought about all the details I flirt with but never commit to due to the nature of change, and it felt good. Last but not least, I drifted away from doing the things I love the most in exchange for ‘doing things the right way’, though I’m convinced ignoring what makes you happy is the wrong way to live.

Truth be told, the hamster on the wheel is so commonplace we don’t even recognize it, and the idea of a bear in the woods is a figment of our imagination most times. Although unlikely, in the event we come across a bear in these woods of life, know bravery and calmness is strength despite what our anxiety and fear tell us. On the other hand, if we find ourselves as hamsters on the wheel, I hope we realize it’s our choice to be there, therefore it’s our responsibility to make the decision to get off this perpetual cycle of self-suffering.

Happy New Year’s.

In 2023

I want to try not to think too hard about things.

I also want to take my chances and prepare for mountain tops, rather than the bear in the woods.

2021: The YEAR OF THE VILLAIN HERE