Keeping Us Apart
I wrote about the last time we briefly saw each other in January of 2017. We just so happened to be at Reedy Creek at the same time but didn’t know until weeks after. I remember walking Bagel around Dragonfly pond and seeing two little girls along the shore with two women. At a glance I thought it was you by the shore, but I couldn’t confirm because although it wasn’t hot, the sun was out, and it was still bright as ever. Plus, I was under the impression you were back home, so it couldn’t have been you. Fast forward some time to when we found each other on Instagram. We exchanged messages and confirmed we did see one another at Reedy Creek. You went on to mention how you were going back to school to get into cardiovascular technology. That made me so happy.
When I found out, it came as a complete shock. I had just gotten done getting my haircut at Alex’s barbershop a few minutes prior. I remember driving thinking of the discussion of hip-hop we had, and how the guy waiting to get his son’s hair cut after me didn’t have Wayne or Ye in his top 10. Alex said Ye is a top 5 producer of all-time, but not a rapper. To me Wayne and Pac are #1, and Ye is #2. Matter of fact, if we’re talking about culture, nobody is more influential than Kanye, but I digress. As I was merging on to I-77, my phone lit up with a notification from Andrea. I glanced at it and everything around me became quiet. I read the message 10 times back to back to back. She said you’d be taken off life support today. My first thought was nah, she must’ve had the wrong one, not the you I know. I pulled into West deck on campus and hit her back. She told me they were awaiting to see who your organs would go to, then they would unplug the life support machine shortly after.
I walked into class feeling numb. I was a few minutes late, but still in time to take the quiz. I went through the motions for lab until I got home to walk Bagel. The first thing I did afterwards was go to your page. I looked through all your photos from your most recent to your oldest. We were Hornets before we were Golden Hawks. Whether we realize it or not, we grow with the people we go to school with. From a distance, and at times directly, I saw you grow from a pre-teen to a teenager to a wonderful mother. When we’d run into each other, you were always kind to me, always pure.
Because we were from the same place, went to the same schools, and experienced the same things at the same time, I’ll always feel connected to you no matter what time, distance, nor conscious says. We went back and forth exchanging ideas and plans for me to shoot you and your two daughters. Unfortunately, things never manifested themselves in our favor. I regret that I couldn’t make it happen for you. Those days life got in the way, but these days death is getting in between us. Not that I wanted anybody else taken away from this life we share, but why you? I’ve been in question of a lot lately. I don’t know what I believe in, but I do know I believe in something. I’ve found myself afraid of the unknown as well as life beyond my comprehension. I used to believe in nothing, but then again, I wasn’t so anxious and fearful about it all back then. Talking things out with Andrea on the phone a few days later, she brought up how you mentioned death to her on numerous occasions. That sent chills down my spine because that’s the place where my anxiety leads me to.
On the other hand, when I take the time to look around, it reinforces my recent beliefs that something else is out there after this, that a higher power is in control. Life on planet Earth is too good to be true. The constant cycling of oxygen, carbon dioxide, and sun light is too perfect. I’m taking a cellular biology course, and learning about the innerworkings of cells has blown my mind. So many things must align in order for life to be lived, yet we take this for granted on the daily. Next time you walk outside, take note of all the life you can observe. From insects, to birds, to trees, none of us asked to be here, yet here we are. Think about leaves changing color and how beautiful fall makes us feel. Basically, temperature decreases along with sunlight availability leading chloroplasts to lose chlorophyll, resulting in chlorophyll breakdown leaving carotenoids to reveal themselves. Even if you only appreciate trees during autumn for their color change, think of how much evolution occurred over billions of years in order for the tree to develop such functions/adaptations as well as yourself for you two to have this opportunity to share a moment. Then think of things from a temporal perspective and how at that specific time you along with the trees are existing together sharing when and where. After that, try thinking of the thousands and thousands of cell cycles the trees are currently going through as well as the thousands of chemical reactions happening in your body allowing you to feel what you feel when you are around these beautiful colors. Not only are chemical reactions triggering an emotional response, but evolutionarily-speaking, you’ve developed eyes to perceive. This is just one of billions, perhaps trillions of examples, of how amazing life is.
It’s all so precious, and I am sad you’re no longer here to experience this with us. All I can say is we’ll love you and we’ll miss you forever. I wish we would’ve gotten up to do the portraits like you wanted, but I’m learning the hard way that wishes don’t always come true in this life we live. I hope the next time I’m at Reedy with Bagel and the sun is shining too bright for us to be out, that it’s you and that you’re trying to tell me you’re well and that there is something beautiful beyond my anxiety and my comprehension.