2021: The Year of the Villain

2021 Monthly Portraits

(Click on any portrait/photo on this page to enlarge)

Notable Creative Milestones

the running diary 4 year anniversary (11,008 unique users, 1,846 hours, 52 different countries, 131,687 page views)

2021 Favorites

Favorite Song/Other Favorite Songs: Aura - Mariah the Scientist

Favorite Albums: DONDA, Certified Lover Boy, Ry Ry World

Favorite Etc.

Favorite Sneaker Cop: Carpe Diem Kobe IV (Grail)

Favorite NIKEID: Honey Dew AF1

Favorite Pull: Thousand Dragon (Metal Raiders)

Favorite Display Piece Cop: Span of Sunset So So Def Afroman (Grail)

2021: The Year of the Villain

Around the second week of December last year, my dad calls me one Sunday while I’m cooking dinner. We have a two-hour conversation and he tells me one of his friends asked what I had been up to since graduation. There was a position open at a biotech company in Cambridge, MA if I wanted it. On paper the opportunity sounded tremendous but leaving a city I’d been in for the past 10 years (no matter how stagnant it felt at times) brought on feelings of anxiety regardless of the excitement it came with. I was told I had to make a decision by 8am the next morning, less than 12 hours from our initial conversation. Hesitant to make any commitment, I went to bed with a mindful of thoughts. How would Bagel handle the cold weather as he ages? What would life be like should I pick up and move at the drop of a pin? What would working a career job mean for my dreams and aspirations? Would it kill them, or would it force me to act upon them?

The next morning his friend calls me at 8am sharp as promised. Still half-asleep, I picked up. Our conversation was no longer than 4 minutes. A week later an interview was set up. A few days after an offer letter came. Then came Christmas. Then came my dad’s birthday. Then before I knew it, I was headed up north with all my belongings in an 8x6 U-Haul trailer the first week of January.

I don’t remember too much about the drive, but perhaps there wasn’t too much to remember as it was a day (turned night) on road. 5 hours in, we stopped for gas prior to DC as the sun began to set. I tried to carry Bagel out the car, but he jumped about 6 feet to the ground. I braced myself because that’s high for a dog to land on his joints, especially at Bagel’s age. Nonetheless in Bagel-fashion, he dragged me to the nearest light post to pee. Little did I know the next time I’d see daylight; I’d be in Massachusetts. Originally, we were going to spend the night at a hotel somewhere in New Jersey, then finish the drive the next day. In fact, before I left, Donovan’s dad told me about this unique Sheraton in Parsippany that was built like a castle. That was the original plan, but as the drive went on, I felt good. I wasn’t tired nor were my legs sore. Driving through DC was a headache. Maryland was cool because we drove under water. Delaware was quick. Jersey wasn’t too bad, but when we stopped in Newark for gas, I could feel the temperature dropping in real time. In fact, driving through Newark at night was gorgeous with NYC in the background along with the planes taking off/landing so low. It was like a course in Outrun. Maneuvering around NYC wasn’t as difficult as I thought it’d be, but the drivers were how everyone says they are: aggressive. Connecticut was absolute ass as the highways were winding and extremely hilly. We arrived at my parents’ place at exactly 4am the next morning, a total of 16 hours later. When I got out the car I was freezing. I went from 60’s and moderate to below freezing seeing iced-snow in my parents’ yard in less than a day. I thought about how cold and unfamiliar everything felt when I laid my head down to sleep that morning. Truth be told there’s still times when life feels that way when I wake up. I guess that means I have yet to fully settle in.

My favorite (and one of the only) photos I took in 2021.

I used to have this fantasy that I’d move somewhere where nobody knew who I was. I’d be able to do whatever, whenever, with whoever. I’d start life on a blank canvas rather than try to make something beautiful out of wasted time and regret. I always thought that scenario would lead me to some sort of liberation, a type of freedom that’d release my spirit from the bonds of external limitations. Limitations I convinced myself were real. Now that it’s happened, the fact I’m still hesitant to try something new in life shows it’s something else. Deep down I’ve realized it’s fear. Truth be told I’m scared of my dreams. A lot of them in fact. I don’t know if it’s the failure or if it’s the judgement or if it’s something bigger that’s holding me back, but whether it’s one of the above or all and then some, everything boils down to one thing:

Me.

This life is filled with many acquaintances, a handful of friends, few family members, and you. Your life is a journey, an odyssey of some sort. Just like there is good and evil in you, there is a hero and a villain as well. Many of us play the villain in our own lives without even realizing it. The harsh reality is self-sabotage exists, but a comforting truth is that redemption is always within our reach shall we realize it. Knowing I’m the Joker innately, but that I can choose to be Batman is powerful. The shift happens in how we spend our time. Yes, time itself is valuable, but how do we value our time? Is scrolling on IG valuing our time? Sure, it may bring entertainment, but what’s 3 hours of entertainment when you can be surrounded by love? When you can be writing songs for a Grammy award you want to win? When you can be running in the backyard with Bagel as the leaves fall? When you can be at Peach Farm in Chinatown enjoying moments with family? When you can be at a cookout with cousins you’ve never met? Bringing value to time is a surefire way to be grateful, in the moment, and purposeful.

I refuse to waste any more time being the villain.

Knowing things and experiencing them are two completely different concepts regardless of how correlated they may seem. Obviously, things are changing. It’s 2021. Philip Rivers retired, Coach K announced his retirement, I’m working a 9-5, I could go on and on. I realize things won’t always be the way they are and I’m trying to make the most of it. I like eating alone, but I make sure to spend some dinners with Mom, Dad, and Bagel. It may seem like an everyday occurrence that Moms’ cooking dinner, then we all eat and talk about our day while Bagel begs for table scraps, but that won’t be everyday someday as despondent as it sounds. Everyone takes the sunlight for granted until winter comes. Though I’ve been basking in the sun for the most part, winter came way earlier than I had ever expected it to this past year.

It’s been a cold, dark reality ever since you left. I never thought I’d be speaking at your funeral, but I tried to speak honestly and from the heart. We were supposed to see each other in August, but I decided to work through a project the company had me on at the time. I’m sure they would’ve let me leave for a vacation, but I didn’t bother to ask because I knew it’d look bad for the promotion cycle next year. Plus, I didn’t know God would call you home so soon, but never again. I don’t care about any promotion anyone could give me when it comes down to the people I love. It had me thinking back to the last time I saw you. You were sitting at the table eating a late-night meal. It was 11:30pm something. I came to the kitchen to grab a snack. Instead of sitting with you at the table like we’ve done on countless nights, I rushed back to my room. I don’t know what I had to do the next morning or what was waiting for me in my room, but it wasn’t anything that could’ve been as valuable as our last in-person conversation would’ve meant to me. All I remember was asking how the day at the pool went and wishing you safe travels to Utah. It was a regular routine thing, but I still wake up in cold sweats thinking of having stopped you from getting on that flight the next day. Of course, we spoke afterwards but once I moved to Boston, we never saw each other again. The weekend before you passed, you hit me wanting to talk on the phone. At the time, I was at a Khmer temple in Minnesota. I told you I’d hit you the next day (Sunday) when I flew in. When I flew back, I ended up sleeping the whole day. Monday comes and you hit the groupchat with a video call, but none of us pick up. You and I spoke via text and Instagram, but the very next day I didn’t hear from you. Wednesday morning, I wake up to a call from your Dad from the previous night. I don’t want to go into detail, but those days leading up to your transition still haunt me. Less than two weeks later I link up with Dbaze and Money at your service. At your repast, I hugged your Mom as she told me I was your best friend. She said it was nice to finally meet and all I could think about was how I wish it was you that introduced us rather than the situation we both were in. Words can’t explain the emotions her and I were going through. I still haven’t written fully about things, and even when I feel like I need to, I end up getting lost looking up at the sky talking to you through the stars. Even writing this is hard, but I know it must be done. I guess it can be summed up as this:

Losing Dono is hard. I say is because I’m still dealing with it.

2021 in many ways has been a juxtaposition of change and routine. Mainly how change can become routine the same way love can become hate. At first everything is new, and you feel like you’re moving in the right direction --and maybe you are-- but after a while things flatline and you’re left feeling there could be more to life than what it is at the moment. A career offers stability, but not as much fulfillment as I thought it would have. Perhaps I knew this to begin with but didn’t want to acknowledge it. This past year my creative endeavors took a nosedive. Even though I wrote every day, I found it hard to find the time and energy to update the running diary. Despite that, we made it to 4 years this past year, so that was good. As I write this, the running diary has been updated for 1742 days consecutively. That’s a W I’ll take any day of the week. I slipped on my monthly portraits, so I had to find random photos on my phone which sucks. 2022, we’re definitely not having that problem again. A lot of new mixed with a lot of old. I’m hoping I can find the balance heading into the new year.

As 2021 wraps up, there’s a lot to be thankful for. Thank you for your unconditional love and your loyalty, I hope I don’t fail you. Thank you for cooking my work lunches and taking care of Bagel. Thank you for letting me navigate my way through the industry and giving advice when needed. Thank you for lending me your car when I came back home in October, every day I try to be more like you big bro. Thank you for sending Bagel birthday wishes and spending a day in Charlotte with me. Thank you for sending me TikToks so we can laugh about it when we call each other. Thank you for getting a free trial to Sling so I could watch Giannis in the finals when I came over your apartment that one time. Thank you for putting me on to Prince Pizzeria, I haven’t been back since we been, but I need to make a trip ASAP. Thank you for sending me beats. Thank you for picking up the phone when I have conundrums about women and 9-5’s. Thank you for supporting me and never doubting me. Thank you for coming over my townhouse in 2012 and always leading with love since then, I’ll forever carry your legacy with me because I am my brother’s keeper. Thank you for getting me out the house that one Friday night at Pressed, you’re phenomenal. Thank you for listening to me talk fantasy football and sending me your gym selfies. Thank you for picking up the phone when I called out the blue and talking to me about life, we still gotta hit Puerto Rico, I still ain’t forget.

Though 2021 had plenty to be thankful for, I wonder what’s next.

In 2022

In 2022, rather than being pushed ashore by the waves of mediocrity, I want to make a conscious decision to embrace my fears and dive even deeper into the unknowns of my insecurities, doubts, and fears in hopes to find a life of self-fulfillment. I also want to take more photos with the people I choose to value time with, as well as begin to embrace my role as a hero.

2020: The Year of the Blur HERE