A Numbing Awareness
The older I get, the more aware I become. Aware of surroundings. Aware of realization. Aware of details. Being aware makes me anxious. It used to be me just running on this journey. Then I became aware of fear, so I began running away from things. Then I became aware of the race, which led me to become aware of insecurity. Not in who I am, but in where I am in life according to society. Being aware of the race naturally led me to an awareness of our finish line. This year, the only birthday text I want to receive is from someone whose race is completed. Someone who ran along my side for some time, someone I’ll have to complete the rest of my race without. Awareness changes you. I try to pinpoint when and how I’ve changed, but I can’t feel it because I’m me.
That, or I’m numb to certain things.
It feels good not to feel, ironically. There were times this past year where I became so disconnected from myself, I couldn’t recognize the man in the mirror. I used to let fear and judgement dictate what pieces were missing, but this year I’ve decided to throw out the puzzle of life in favor for a canvas instead. I think I’m much better at mixing colors than I am at forcing pieces to connect. A puzzle is someone else’s vision of how things are supposed to be, but my life can’t be boxed in by pre-made pieces.
There was a conversation—one of many I keep thinking back on— in the group chat shortly before everything changed. Dono planned to purchase a car. He was looking at either a Mercedes-Benz or a Honda Civic. I told him to opt for the Honda Civic because of good gas mileage and cheap maintenance costs. Dbaze disagreed and said to go with the Benz. He said Dono couldn’t go from a Challenger to a Civic, plus the Civic didn’t fit him. Although I agreed 100% with Dbaze’s take, I was thinking of long-term reliability and cost. Dono eventually went with the Mercedes a few weeks later. Looking back, I couldn’t be happier with the choice he made. We never know what’ll happen or when what’ll happen will happen. Of all the wonderful things Dono taught me while he was here, he taught me one last lesson: take the chances God gives you.
We’re so used to saying things are meant to be when things end up in our favor or that everything happens for a reason when things don’t go our way, to explain the closure we lack understanding of. We search life for signs of confirmation bias to assure us we are making the right decisions on the right path. They say the odds of being born are between 1 in 400 trillion to 1 in 400 quadrillion. Think of how many people we’ve met in our lifetime, then think of how many people we could’ve ended up with, then think of that for our parents, grandparents, great grandparents, so on and so forth. It gets more and more as generations go on. Do you know how many people had to be at the right place at the right time, how many heartbreaks had to occur, how many chance meetings we’re a product of? It’s unfathomable. The fact we’re here is a sign. I’m learning that’s all the sign I need out of this life. The Universe provides opportunities the same way God provides us with timing. We’ll often be destined to find ourselves at this crossroad. Life is a linear timeline of sequential decision-making. Everything is in front of us shall we possess the wisdom to realize this. Dono purchasing his dream car a month before everything happened taught me the essence of living decisively. If life is best lived in the present, we must live now. Whoever we love, needs to be loved now. Wherever we are, we need to be there and only there now. Simply put, whatever needs to happen, needs to happen now. Not to say we should rush through life, but there must be a sense of urgency in what we do. Whether you look at things as a sprint or a marathon, one thing is for sure, and that is this race is short.
I saw something that helped me deal with these types of things a while back. It read: we’re not human beings having a spiritual experience, we’re spiritual beings having a human experience. I feel peace in the possibility of something more to the totality of our experience than our human existence. Maybe it’s coping more than it is belief, which is something I’ll have to come to terms with at some point. I’ve never been one to be spiritual or religious, but lately I’ve been getting closer to the higher powers. It’s something about the way things are put together. More than that, how things are connected. Too many coincidences for things like this to be unintentional. Perhaps I negotiated the quality of this existence in a previous life. Perhaps I’ve been lucky. Instead of complaining about the things we can’t change, I’ve started embracing them. You ever see that Yeezus tour poster from 2013? The artwork depicts Kanye ascending upwards in a beam of light. That’s how I feel most days. I’m taking things as they come. What’s for me will be mine in the moment, but I know moments are meant to end so I’ll try to enjoy things while they last.
I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Thank you, God, for life. Thank you to the Universe for the beauty of it all. Thank you to anyone who has ran this race with me, whether it have been for a leg or for a relay. If some days I feel distant, know we’re forever connected, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know it’s only one race we have in this lifetime, but sometimes I feel so good I treat this shit like a warm-up when I’m hitting my stride. Thank you for that.
Maybe I’m aware I’m numb. Or maybe I’m too numb to be aware at the moment. Whatever the case may be, I’ve made it here another year and I’m floating through things with a sense of appreciation and perspective.